3.27am -

As per the norm for me these days its first thing in the morning :-)
For a change though I have actually been to sleep and not long woken up, I love the winter but I hate not seeing much light and it messes with my body clock a little.

I managed to make it out to my shoot on Wednesday, despite not feeling great. I thought my anxiety was well enough for the whole 'getting on a train' sadly my nerves were slightly mad before I left the house. I think its because I wasn't feeling 100%. I still find it amazing that no matter what my anxiety is telling me (it usually tells me not to bother and just to go back to my comfort zone) I still manage to push myself forward to shoots and once I'm at a shoot I have the best time ever, I always know I will have a good time but before shoots especially if Im public transporting it I freak out and worry. Its mad what the mind can do to your body, and I still thank god that I somehow stumbled into modelling when I did or else I know I would never have faced alot of my fears. I still have the anxiety but actually being able to push past the bad bits and having something to aim for kind of keeps me going.

I spotted on Craigs blog his aims and objectives for next year so it got me thinking about what I hope to achieve next year, I know since I started that my aims were always be just to improve and they still are although its difficult when I often feel I have reached my personal peak in modelling and what I am capiable of doing. I have done pretty much everything I set out to do apart from work with Irish Puppy and a couple of other UK based artistic nude photographers but in a way I like still having that 'goal' because I know once I have worked with them then I might have nothing to aim for. The funny thing is that I know I can work with all the people I want to just now its just the oppertunity in most cases has not come up due to my anxiety. Irish is no different, if I can persuade myself to get on a darn plane I would be there tomorrow if I could even though that would mean my goal to work with him is no longer a goal :-S

So next year my plans are to travel more, I hope to do at least 3 tours. 2 are kind of in the planning stages and means I wont be going it all alone which is a great bonus for me the tours proberly wont last as long as my english summer 09 one was because to be honest although I had a fantastic time I don't think I could bare being away from home for 6 weeks again . Another aim I guess is to get more international publications and what I call 'tesco publications' meaning I can pick a copy of the magazine/book in tesco :-). I also have in the back of my mind to do a book, although photographers I have worked with have a few with just the work they have done with me I think it would be really nice to have one just of my work, only issue is that although I cannot see it being a top seller or even selling all that many copies I wouldn't have a clue how to go about sharing any profits which may be made from it.

I'm going to start dancing classes, I have contacted someone about some one 2 one tuition in Ballet but still waiting to hear back. I remember someone saying recently that you are never to old to learn new skills so I though 'bugger it' and decided that I want to get a bit of training, it will obviously help with my posture, flexibility, fitness and my strength so it can't be a bad thing even if I never manage to get enpointe which is one of my dreams. Part of my christmas from Rory is a whole new outfit for my dancing so fingers crossed the teacher gets back to me soon, if not then I might need to travel further afield for some lessons . I guess the biggest thing for next year is just to keep enjoying what I do and keep pushing myself to do better than previous attempts.

May as well start tomorrow with the whole 'getting better', im off out with Si for some shooting fun. Its been ages since we have hung out so even if its not all that productive even getting a few shots with him before the year is out will be a good thing.

Right I best at least try to get to sleep now even if its just for an hour or so!

Nite nite xx