Tuesday, 18 September 2012

The strangest thing happened....

I've had to re-type this several times now..
Given that this is going to be a fairly personal blog post to me I recommend those who don't like reading about how models feel away from modelling then best not to read.

I've mentioned my anxiety before in the past, although I try not to mention it to much because other than be being crap at travelling on public transport or eating out in public places it doesn't really get in the way of me modelling. Plus my method of "avoidance" is not talking about it, if I have a really bad week I generally don't say anything because to me the second its mentioned then that is reality.. People don't mean to treat me differently but if I say to Rory "I'm having a bit of a shit week" then he worries about me, I don't like people to worry about me or be watching me more closely than they normally would. I know its because my loved ones care but I would just rather put a smile on my face and get on with things.

My anxiety has been with me for 10 years, its stopped me doing quite a lot of things I would have done without any worry or fear 11 years ago. It changed me as a person, I don't run head first into hedges just for a laugh with friends, I can't just jump on a bus because I want to go somewhere. Things have to be planned but even then there are some hurdles I will never get over. I'm not sure if I should run into the things I avoid just to test myself. In the past when I have forced myself to be in situations I know will freak me out I've ended up seriously freaked out and ill afterwords. Then other times I've came out unscathed and positive that my anxiety is getting better. Truth is it never gets better, the moment I get rid of one fear something new pops up. If I get to confident of my anxiety fighting skills something comes along and kicks me in the face. I don't really fear panic attacks anymore, they are just something which happens.. I will never stop fearing how I feel everyday, I cannot control my emotions or my fears about silly little things.

I wish I was "normal", I wish I could have stuck at college without my anxiety getting the better of me. I wish I could do a normal job - I think the second I'm stuck doing something which doesn't deeply excite me then my anxiety comes along and fills my head with bad things. Truth is I've been so "f$%^ed"for years I wouldn't even be able to get a job. Last time I tried in Glasgow I somehow managed to secure one based on my previous community radio experience as a volunteer.. That job lasted two days :( I just want to make people proud of me and I want to be proud of myself. I'm actually jealous of the people who are standing in shops serving the public, I wish it was me. I know its not exactly a fantastic job but its a job an actual commitment. When I hear people moaning about their job I'm jealous, thinking they have something I would kill for but don't appreciate what they have. I know nobody would take the chance on a non educated or experienced person like me even if I know I'm a hard worker nobody else does.

So thats the back story to my anxiety - not very pretty a story really..
So the strange thing which happened was I woke up this morning and didn't feel like I had anxiety, normally the moment I wake up I have to busy myself with distractions from my thoughts or feelings but this morning I felt calm and happy.. Surrounded by my cats and Rory, it was like waking up on a really positive cloud which lifted me away from all my fears. Sadly reality kicked in 10 minutes later but those 10 minutes of calm were possibly the first 10 minutes I've had since my anxiety started. I hope that it happens again because it was truly amazing. Crazy that such a silly emotion such as being calm for a short period of time excites the hell out of me when most people don't appreciate it at all in their lives. So next time you are calm and chilled out just think of me and send some of the calm thoughts over. Anxiety will be with me forever but I might get some more of those happy and calm moments again and I look forward to them and will embrace them all the more when they arrive again.

The images in this blog are all by Rory, the ones above are "Old new" edits from a couple of years ago. This one below is the shot in the old bath I had mentioned in my previous blog :D As always hat is by hat in the cat. This one was selected to go with this dress, I'm kind of running out of suitable clothes so its out with the old wardrobe.

Happy/Calm and peaceful vibes to everyone

Remember appreciate everything you have


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